Ticklenotes

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” George W Bush, Townsend, Tennessee, 21st February 2001

I went to the movie theatre a few weeks ago. I saw The Bourne Ultimatum and it was pretty good. I normally buy a small diet Coke and a small buttered popcorn, before going into the theatre. After ordering and paying, the girl behind the counter said, “Enjoy your meal.” ENJOY YOUR MEAL!!! What are people eating these days that is masquerading as a meal? Does she say the same thing when someone buys a Sprite and a box of Milk Duds!? Goodness.

Overheard greeting between two lunch mates:

“How have you been?”

“I have been sick . . . AND NO ONE CARES!”

“I have been chemically altered and NO ONE NOTICES!”

“I noticed.”

Overheard at McDonald’s:

“So what’s up your ass?”

“I’m just depressed.”

“Again?”

“My therapist broke up with me.”

Overheard at Johnny Carino’s:

“Did you go to Anne Frank’s house when you were in Amsterdam?”

“Yeah, it was really emotional.”

“I thought so too, the way they covered everything with Plexiglas.”

“It was almost like being there when she lived there.”

“Poor little girl.”

“I actually cried.”

“Cried?”

“Yeah, I went outside, in front of the building, and sat on a dyke and cried.”

“You sat on a dyke?”

“Yup.”

Overheard telephone conversation in the cube beside mine:

“She was so out of control. Her eyes was all wide open and she was just crazy-headed. I asked her does she want to pray with me. I always wear my cross for that very reason. You never know when you will need your cross. We got down on our knees and we started praying and she was hugging me so tight she was digging her skinny elbows into my back. She was real wiry and her bones was digging in, but we kept praying until the police come. Well, wouldn’t you know it, one of the police was a minister. He took over praying for me and I went to look for the ambulance. When I come back, she was up on her feet like she was gonna do karate. She winded up her skinny leg and took one of them flying kicks at that police man right square in his private place. I noticed he wasn’t wearing a cross like I got and I figured that’s why she was rebelling against him. That’s why you should always wear your cross. If you don’t, Lord only knows what could happen. Anyway, he got her in a headlock and she wrapped around him like an anaconda snake. That’s when they both fell on the ground. That’s how she got that gash on her head. I told him I would witness for him if anyone said he done it on purpose. I got to remember to get him a cross to wear on his neck. If he had one, none of that would have happened. Anyway, turns out she was a Catholic. We was talking to her in Baptists, so that might have been what got her going. She might have felt like she was getting one of them exorcists.”

Overheard statements made after a long meeting:

“Finally! He’s finally gone.”

“He’s so paranoid. He’s afraid to leave the room in case he misses something.”

“Or if we talk about him.”

“He thinks we talk about him?”

“Yeah . . . ”

“But we are talking about him.”

“He don’t know that.”

Overheard this morning, on the elevator:

“Did you see her?”

“Yeah, she was cute, but there was something strange about her.”

“Dude, she was phine. She was a little skinny, but she had a juicy ass.”

“She had a strange ass. It was shaped funny. I’m not sure how to describe it.”

“Sort of like your head?”

“No, like your momma’s head.”

“Dude, you better watch it.”

“Bring it.”

Overheard two janitors talking by the water fountain:

“Where you been? It’s almost two.”

“At lunch, I usually go home and take a nap for a couple of hours.”

“I couldn’t do that. I’d never get up again.”

“Dude, when I wake up, I don’t want to come back in. I feel like I’m covered in dried concrete.”

“I have to eat lunch and come right back. Anything else would ruin the rest of my day.”

“Yeah, but I need my afternoon nap.”

“Wish I could do that.”

Telephone conversation I had with a friend:

“I gotta go. I have to get to my kickboxing class.”

“No, I want to talk more.”

“I can’t. I gotta go.”

“You can’t go. You didn’t bring your headband.”

“We don’t wear headbands.”

“You don’t wear headbands? What the hell kind of kickboxing class do you go to?”

“I gotta go.”

“Do you wear wrist bands?”

“Bye.”