Ticklenotes

My nephew, speaking to his father: “You are the BEST dad I ever had, Dad . . . “

Two nurses a few doors down, reviewing a case file:
“What is her diagnosis?”
“Microcephaly.”
“What’s that mean . . . small head?”
“Yes.”
“Like that shrunken head guy from ‘Beatle Juice’”?
“Yeah . . . like a . . . a mini head.”

Two guys talking in an office, close to mine:
“They never hire any men around here. Have you noticed?”
“Yeah, it’s like you have to cut your dick off, just to get ahead.”
“I think they would be happy with a simple apology.”

A woman speaking loudly to a man, presumably her husband: “Can you hear English?”

A man in front of me at the mall, standing with his kids, waiting for his turn at the cookie counter:
“If you can act right, we can all go see ’101 Damnations’ later.”

At the gym, talking with a woman who is lifting weights:
“There’s a guy who comes here who really hates white people.”
“Goodness, really? Why?”
“Not sure . . . but . . . yeah, if you look at him too long, and you’re white, he will yell, ‘What the FUCK are you looking at?’”
“Make sure you tell me which one he is . . . is he here now?”
“No . . . he should be here in a few minutes.”
“How long is ‘too long’?”
“Just watch yourself.”

Two women talking in the waiting room of my dentist’s office (just after I sneezed):
“Did you watch ‘Good Morning America’ this morning?”
“No, did I miss anything?”
“They had a guy on who has been sneezing for months!”
“Wow! There is a woman in town who has been hiccupping for ten years.”
“Yes, can you imagine sneezing for months?”
“She started hiccupping when she was 12 and hasn’t stopped.”
“I think he was sneezing about every minute or so.”
“Yeah, she hiccups about like that.”
“It must be tough having to sneeze all day.”
“Hiccupping can be pretty hard on your neck.”
“Sneezing that much can give you a concussion.”
“Goodness.”
“I agree.”

Pat Sajak on Wheel of Fortune, talking to a contestant about losing the $25,000 final phrase: “This is poultry compared to the $45,000 you already won! Poultry!”

In Holland & Barrett I overheard a guy asking about various supplements. No matter what supplement he mentioned, the woman behind the till would say, “That one gives you energy;” “That’s for energy,” and other variations including the word “energy.”

The guy eventually held up two of the bottles of supplements and said, “Do these two counteract each other?”

The woman casually glanced across and replied, “No, they work together . . . and give you even more energy.”

“. . . I think that too many people have allowed their hippocampus to atrophy . . . . There is no saving an atrophied hippocampus . . . We are all doomed . . .”  Lecture, Louisville, 2009